You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
