They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
