i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
