i love accidental penises.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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