Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
