i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
