Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
