dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
