yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
