woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
