So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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