Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
