We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
