Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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