im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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