he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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