Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
