Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
