my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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