If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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