Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
