If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
