We got so high we made milksteak
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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