if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
