i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
