peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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