i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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