god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
