Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
