the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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