my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
