i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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