I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
