i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
