The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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