I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
