I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
be right there i have to get my cape
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
