I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
