No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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