I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
