One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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