Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
