Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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