There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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