just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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