Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
