I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize
