If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I still have a little drunk in my system
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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