Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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