I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
