I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
