I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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